no more

i cant pretend anymore
i cant deal with it all
i cant keep living
i cant stop loving

but i have to try and do it all to be happy
i just want to be happy again

im disappointed that i actually went to the motorway.
tbh alex is probs the main reason i stopped
because wen i felt like giving up and it was all too much
he appeared
and hugged me.
yeah he thot i was going to see simon haha
but he was sort of there wen i needed someone if you no wat i mean

anyway. i feel like a spaztic retard.
i should have said yes on sunday
but theres no point sitting regreting

i have good friends right now
seonaid. i know iv been neglecting our friendship but shes always there when i need her. were going shopping tomorrow and saturday so i dont look like a trampy hobo no more :L
michelle. thank you for telling me and being there. i really need you as my shoulder to cry on at the moment. lu
conor. your an amazing friend even wen your hurting me and pulling my clothes apart lol. ill keep your secret to my grave.
and dionne. your really great. and i know i can trust you hehe. your plan for shaun is epic haha and you make me feel better about all the crap. i talk to you about all my problems. thank you. lu!!

anyway school is better. iv finished my whole art folio.
im allowed to take advanced art next year :)
me and david shall teach advanced awesomeness!!
im in the money. so mass shopping spree lol

just remember im happy on the outside but dieing on the inside

oh and thank you to the very many people who huggeded me today
michelle and alan :L
jemma, andrea, jordan, conor, shaun, im sure there were others but i forget when bawling :P

matts party

argh
my head is killing me
i really cant look at the screen much longer so ill gve you a general idea of the goings on of last night and write it proper tomorrow

went to matts.
went on trampoline.
drank very little amount.
got chased around by thomas trying to kill me. (seriously he had a "punishment stick").
hid from the police in alexs room with loads of folk.
drank alot more.
was videoed on top of sam.
had big talks with michelle.
went in the hottub.
whiteyed.
shaun looked after me.
passed out.
woke up whole house trying to find my phone in the morning.
tried to recover.

theres more but i forget

we need to talk

seriously tho. we do. theres stuff that i cant describe and its just complicated

*sighs*

you sent me a picture today
that youd been looking at yesterday that made you sad
and yep sure enough it does
looking at it for the first few seconds made me happy then i just felt like bawling
seeing it was like butterflies in my stomach mixed with it tied in knots from sadness and then all the shit feelings from missing someone
so im not exactly in a positive mood.
plus my grandparents are coming this weekend
oh yay
i was on the phone to my gran like an hour ago
and she asked me one question that reduced me to tears
and believe me i dont sound good when im greetin down the phone
then getting a text from someone who i completely regret even meeting
yeah im kinda blanking them.
its mean but i assume theyll eventually give up
and i can get on with my plan
aha yes i carefully devised a new life plan.
iv forgotten most of it but its written somewhere
:)

whys it so hard

ah happy days
im not going to do the usual and recite the bad stuff
because it really isnt over

sooo iv gotten close with people i never thot i would
michelle - love her, shes one of the few people who believe were meant to be, she'll listen to me moan when im upset and be happy with me when im smiley.!
sam - i wuv her, we have a secret pact to help out my dear sean :) we missed like the whole day on the last day of school and went to sam's house and died sean's hair.. fun times since we went back at lunch and his girlfriend (who is crazy i must say) absolutely screached at him :O
sean - hehe i think iv basically said all about sean lol we goes to the shop and he buys custard donuts that were impersonating jam ones lol damn them
plus the usual people are still there.
steven - he confuses me sometimes, and we greet together.. wait sorry no he has man weeps lol he tackles me to the ground, we has bad days but we also has amazing days, and tbh sometimes one little amazing thing cancels out all the bad stuff. he makes me happier than anything in the world, but then again a few little words can bring my down to rock bottom in a flash. but i suppose in a way it works. we have a crazy disorganised upsetting happy confusing relationship but i kinda love it. people say that im being stupid and hes a cunt but he makes me life complete. like i said the simple things matter, like slapping someone cos they slapped me and it hurted my eye :( when were happy were really happy but when were sad were really sad!!
my dear seonaid - we does maths :)
ryan - i apparently lol in his face and laugh at his run. which are both very true

and guess what :O
im going to wear a skirt tomorrow omg!!!
oh and briefcases is gid
and i am now gayface hahzle to conor lol

<3

im happy!
really happy
the holiday so far has been so amazing
friday started out kinda shit but it got good lol
but after that everything got awesomer
basically since friday either iv stayed at his or hes stayed at mine so we've spent around every second with each other
lol probably pretty sick of me by now haha
this holiday will be the best :)
i dont care about silly folk trying to play their childish games with me
i dont care about school crap
cos im happy
plus iv been tackled to the ground like five times in the last hour lol
but i made his hand bleed so i win yass!!!