i had a conversation today
if the worst thing happened
if my mum has this operation and it goes badly.
theres a large percentage chance there will be complications
because she was born with a hole in her heart
which meant open heart surgery as a baby
and repeats throughout her childhood
which means her heart is extremley weak
and any sort of operation on the body would be a shock to the system
and it could basically give up
plus if tht didnt happen it could also give up
because it wont be strong enough to keep blood pumping round the body
because of the mass blood loss which will occur in the operation.
anyway id either keep my friends close and basically rely on them to keep me going
or id push everyone away and basically fuck about,
try and make it all go away with drink, drugs, whatever.
and yeah i said i didnt no which id choose.
but the truth is tht id do the second one and you no it as well as i do.
like you said, i havent got any control of my life
and im doing whatever i can to control aspects of it.
even if its hurting those who care
not just me
at the end of the day.